2004年08月29日

 

Corporate Lesson #1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing her
shower
when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing
over
which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives
up,
quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When
she
opens the door, there stands Bob, their next door neighbor.
Before
she could say a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to
drop
that towel you have on.” After thinking for a moment, the
woman
drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After
staring
at her for a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and
leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman
wraps
back up in her towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets
back
to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, “Who was
that?”
“It was Bob, from next door,” she replies. “Great!” the
husband
says. “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story:
If
you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in
time
with your shareholders, you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable
exposure.

Corporate Lesson #2
A
priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road.
He
stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in
and
crossed her legs, forcing the skirt of her habit open to
reveal
a long, lovely leg. The priest looked and nearly had an
accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand
up
her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately asked, “Father,
remember
Psalm 129?” The priest was flustered and apologized
profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gears,
he
let his hand slide up her leg once again. The nun again asked,
“Father,
remember Psalm 129?” Once again the priest apologized:
“Sorry,
Sister, but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent,
the
nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
Upon
his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a
bible
and looked up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story:
If
you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.

Corporate
Lesson #3
A
sales representative, an administration clerk and the manager of
a
business are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil
lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The
Genie
says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each
of
you just one.” “Me first! Me first!” says the admin. clerk. “I
want
to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in
the
world.” The Genie nodded and… Poof! She was gone. In
astonishment,
the sales rep says, “Me next! Me next!” “I want to
be
in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an
endless
supply of Pina coladas and the love of my life.” The
Genie
nodded and… Poof! He was gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager looks at the genie and says, “I want those two back in the office right after lunch.”
 

Moral
of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson #4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small

rabbit
saw the crow and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do
nothing
all day long?” The crow answered, “Sure, why not?” So,
the
rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a
sudden
a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high
up.

Corporate Lesson #5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to

get
to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t
got
the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my
droppings?”
replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”
The
turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually
gave
him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The
next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch.
Finally on the fourth night, while he was proudly perched
at
the top of the tree, the turkey was spotted by a farmer, who
promptly
shot the him out of the tree.
 

Moral
of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it can’t keep you there.

Corporate Lesson #6
In Africa, every morning a gazelle awakens knowing that it must

outrun
the fastest lion if it wants to stay alive. Every morning,
a
lion wakes up knowing it must run faster than the slowest
gazelle
or it will starve to death.

Moral
of the story:
It
makes no difference whether you’re a gazelle or a lion: When
the
sun comes up, you had better be hauling ass.
           

 

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows, the Government takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows, the Government takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows, the Government takes both and shoots you.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows.  You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.  Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows.  You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows.  You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.  You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.  You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows.  You count them and learn you have five cows.  You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.  You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.  You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows.  You have 300 people milking them.  You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows.  Both are mad.