2007年06月23日

There is a light shining ahead on my way of life. It is Madam Curie, or the spirit of Madam Curie.

It was in high school that I read her biography written by her young daughter. Mother said I read too many this kind of books when I was young which made me to choose this way of life, to be a researcher. I don’t think so, however.  The only two books I read in my middle school about famouse people are the biography of Madam Curie and President Lincon. But I think their story are well known to a lot of people, not only to me. Yes, I read some more in my university, but I had made my decision then.

Madam Curie is my idol since then. I know I am so far away from her both in personalities and gift. But I hope I can follow her way of life. However later, I found I wouldn’t be happy to lead a life like hers because we are such different kind of women. And at that time I realized  it is her spirit that should be my idol. I do not need to lead a similar life with hers.

Today I watched an old movie about her made in 1940s, a colorless movie. I was moved again and am still. Yes, even talented like Marie, she was not so clear about what area of research she wanted to devote her life to at first. Everyone needs something we call "good luck" to find his own dream. For Marie, this "good luck" is her husband. If she had not got the chance to work in her future hubby’s lab, she would not get the chance to know some magic invisable radiation hidden in some black rocks. And if it is not her hubby’s engagement, she would stay in Poland as a teacher. For me, the ‘good luck’ is Qinghua Event about 4 years ago. If it was not that failure, I wouldn’t come here to try some other research area. If I was not here, I wouldn’t watch a movie called The Constant Gardener. If it was not that movie, I would not care about  PLHIV. And it is these people that reminded me my original dream in my high school.

I remembered very clearly that in the second year of my high school, a report on newspaper about laser in cancer research said laser can help us to know how cancer happens in our body.  Later, when I prepared for my entrance exam for university, I read an essay about optical computation which is related to laser technology in a Chinese test paper. The two reports impressed me so much that though I knew nothing about laser then I felt laser was such a magic light that can do a lot of fabulous things. So I chose laser as my major in my university. However, several years of study made me lost and forget the original reason that made to make this choice. Because I was lost, I ever underwent some belief collaption. Because I was lost, I had no judgement for which area to study. I knew I don’t like only designing laser. I wanted to apply it. But how and where to apply? Fortunately, now I know it and it is very clear to me. My consideration in the period of belief collaption is not a waste. It helps me to build up a belief framwork. I finally find the work that I want to devote my whole life to. And more lucky, I have this chance to join some group in this area.

Among all the things in people’s life, I think health is the most important one. So my future research will focus on some biomedical application of laser techniques. It belongs to fundamental research. Though maybe it is still too far away from clinical treatment to some disease, but these research can help us to reveal the secret of life. This is my terminal goal, my dream and I am sure it is my future supervisor’s too. He ever told me since he had some ideas about this research, he has worked for 18years to this stage. I have at least 2 eighteen years and definetely can go further than him.

I have some ideas on my future projects but don’t know where to start from and how to start the program. But Marie didn’t know either at this stage. She even didn’t have no idea. The only thing she knew at that time was just what she wanted to do.I cannot concentrate all my mind to my research because I have a lot of interests in life. But hope I can hold on my dream all my life,  never giving up.

I know it is a long long trip. And as a girl and human beings, I wish a man to travel with me all the way. But if there is no, I will go on by myself. It is hard for me to give up this dream for someone or something else. My only wish is I am brave enough to face to all the faliures in this progress.

It is not a dark trip, neither a lonely trip at all, for there is a light shining ahead.

It’s my life.

 

2007年06月18日

1.你觉得自己是个怎样的人? 

爱折腾的人;喜欢独处和群居的人;单身的人;让梦想照进现实的人;有一点矛盾的人;常年不守在爸妈和朋友身边的人;恋家恋旧的人; 不算太笨的人;喜欢物理的人;兴趣爱好太多的人……唉,哥们儿姐妹们自个心里都清楚哈,我是个怎样的人:)

2.你是如何看待爱情和性的?

二者互为因果。有人说只有性没有爱乃兽非人。此言差矣!动物之间的行为是否受感情所引导,动物之间是否存在感情,这个问题地球还在思考着,人类还在探索者,焉知动物之性没有爱与之互为因果阿。嗬嗬,好像有点跑题。
     
3.你会跟自己最爱的人or 最爱自己的人结婚?为什么?
题目本身存在逻辑错误。不爱自己的人自己怎么会去爱啊,如果有,这样的所谓的“爱”在我眼里都不能叫做“爱情”。最爱我的人一定是我最爱的人,我肯定会嫁给他的:)

4.到目前为止,最后悔的事情是什么?
 
好像还没有什么事情让我觉得后悔哦,虽然大大小小的遗憾还是有一点。我想,我未来的日子里也不会做让自己后悔的事情,因为我一直跟着自己的心在走呢,并为了心之所往而努力着:)
 
5.你认为,爱情和友情那个更重要?说明原因

爱情。原因:缺什么想什么:)当然啦,对于身边的朋友,特别是最好最好的几个好朋友,我是很珍惜的,友情是多多益善,来者不拒。爱情么,还是只一次就够了,多了我晕:)
 
6.在生活中,要更好地得到大家的认同,最重要的是什么?

宽容,尊重,换位思考,允许他人以合资及不同的方式生活,尽量摒弃内心天然存在的同化他人的心理给自己带来的困扰:)
 
7.当你伤心的时候,你会怎么样让自己再次开心起来?

没有特定的方式,什么事情让自己开心就做什么。有时候做让自己开心的食物,有时候听让自己开心的音乐或者看电影;有时候跟朋友聊天或者写信;有时候,就干脆让自己沉浸在伤心里,彻底让心在低谷趟一下,歇够了再爬起来:)
8.你认为怎样的生活于你而言才是接近完美的?说明原因
接近完美?嗬嗬,那我现在的生活就是接近完美的了。生活就像一条有渐近线的曲线,你总能无限的接近那条渐近线却无法到达它。不过,那是个方向是个理想,只要我在向着它靠近,我就觉得生活是接近完美的:)
2007年06月15日

童童今儿中午打算要做的事情,最后只把有关吃的那两件做了,买了芒果,只买了一个;做了土豆烧牛肉,有点失败:(逛街街也没去,因为太晒了,我打着伞还觉得小脸被晒得很不舒服。游泳呢?因为不会做土豆烧牛肉,回到家在网上查菜谱查了半天,等做完吃完,就快八点了,懒得出门了。忽然又想看Amily Dickinson的诗了,从网上巴拉出来,一点也看不进去。 我发现我现在课余时间除了琢磨吃,干啥都觉得累脑子,真真是一只只知道吃的小猪了:(小艾艾交了我一招,说烧牛肉的时候加上点茶叶牛肉比较容易烂,嗯,我下回儿做做试试。

酒足饭饱后,干啥呢?好长时间没听摇滚了,馋,听!那天在青山老师的博客上,看到有人提到崔建的《假行僧》,我以前听过这盘专辑,好像几首喜欢的还有印象,于是下载下来,有《一无所有》《花房姑娘》《新长征路上的摇滚》《假行僧》和《南泥湾》……后又加了一些电脑里原来存着的。每听一首,都从网上找一下歌词,听到《zombie》的时候,看到歌词我感到有些意外。这首摇滚,里面的声音是如此的粗砺砺的,让你无法相信这是个女生唱的。而且,这首歌的歌词意境竟是如此的悲怆,是一首反战的歌,由看到死于战争中的两个孩子的母亲而创作的。于是,我查到了歌手的信息,这一查,更是吃惊。这样粗砺的声音,竟然跟dreams里那个轻灵空远缥缈有如天籁的声音出自同一人!!我真是佩服这mm了!!更敬佩的,是这mm的作品大多是反战题材的,关于死亡和逝去的东西……我每次听摇滚的时候,都能有好多意外的收获,今天晚上又掏了一些好歌,了解了一些歌曲背后的故事,发现了一个自己喜欢的歌手,虽然我记不住名字,哈哈:)

嗯,还下载了张清芳的《出塞曲》,并学会了,好听!

今天晚上是我的摇滚之夜,很过瘾:)

        半个多月没写博克啦,倒是我姆姆现在越来越时髦拉,每天逛逛她感兴趣的博克成为了她生活的一大乐趣。嘿嘿,姆姆真聪明,网络这玩意儿我只教给她怎样发邮件,她自己很快就会上这个网那个博的玩儿了。生活里需要啥,她自己也会上网查:)我发现我跟姆姆是一个类型的,学啥东西得玩着学,不能当个任务似的在一个压力下学。以前姆姆上班的时候工作需要参加过计算机培训,结果啥也没学进去。这会儿到学得挺快的:)

      这半个月童童忙活着写毕业论文呢。原本还优哉游哉的,觉得时间挺充分的,结果那天一下通知,说论文提交定在7月底,论文答辩定在8月底,我又咨询了他们一下毕业手续,还挺麻烦,才觉得时间真是紧张啊。虽然数据都有了,但是有好多分析要做,这就要现编程序哦。童童一想到编程就发怵,以前没用过这计算软件,也没怎么编过程序,这软件都有啥function可以直接用来计算,我也不知道哦。所以,不知道花多长时间才能编出来。因为要分析数据的好几个方面,所以有好几个程序要编。现在我给逼到这份儿上了,不得不看啦,结果发现,不算难哦。反正基本逻辑都一样,function的名称啊操作方式啊不同。不过郑哥哥给寄了一本教程,需要啥去查查就好啦。结果,童童玩儿了一上午,就把基本东西搞明白啦,然后又花了半天时间编了几个小程序。反正复杂的程序我还编不了,这几个小程序还是没问题啦,分析数据够用拉:) 现在,分析已经完成,论文写得就快啦,花了一个星期,统统写完啦,就是参考文献还需要加好多。这是我最发愁的了,我喜欢仔细研读一篇参考文献,读透了它,其他的大体看看就好。所以,不管写国内的论文还是这里的论文,我的参考文献都很少,不够数。我这里的老板可好啦,他理解我的学习方式,还帮我找了一些参考文献(哎,主要是他拿我也很无奈拉)。对于实验现象的解释,现在人们也没搞清楚。不过呢,我根据我们的结果作了一下猜想,好像还能说得通哦,等老板改完了我们再讨论讨论吧。这实验是个很麻烦的一大套实验,我现在只是做了一个头,刚开始。后面的工作只能在招人来做了。就是可惜了我的劳动成果,系统的设计和建造以及控制程序分析程序都是我和老板一起做的,后面来的人就是多做几个样品用这些程序分析一下就好,虽然麻烦,但是不费太多脑子,找找样品的不同物理参数对样品性质的影响。我做的真正开发性原创性的部分却一篇论文也落不着发表,亏啦~~

        做这种开发性的工作挺刺激的,当然最开始啥都是一头雾水的时候也挺郁闷的。不过只要坚持去找原因,最后总能找到。运气好的话找得快一点,运气不好的话找得慢一点。一旦找到了,其他进展就顺利一点了,虽然还会有些潜在的小毛病,但已经没那么难解决了。就是有时候我的心太急了,总觉得每天只能前进那么一点点,有时候还一点进展都木有,恨不得自己是三头六臂的小哪吒,要不就有个小仙女的魔术棒棒,想干啥一挥棒棒念念咒语就干好了,这样子工作一定会加速好多倍,更加充满了乐趣:)

       现在第一稿写完了,还有一个多月的时间,应该够修改用的了……

      所以呢,我打算今天逍遥一下,去买个芒果吃,逛逛街,晚上游泳去……