It’s a considerably long time not to enjoy the glory of being a labor force. Every day is a work day, but it seems like there is not even bit of gains though time goes away as flowing. How can I feel the happiness of touching the improvement and, the glory of working? Where is the pivot which could balance endeavor and return a little bit, to make me feel free to embrace my spiritual garden?
After so many times the ponder had to end up with nothing definite, I’m unwilling to frequently pick up such an instruments to torture myself. All I should do is to being a tiny being, flying in the world, without the ability to shake the huge living tree. Strolling along the river of years, like a fisher with the fishing trackle, I catch pleasure this day, and might encounter something gray another day. We should know the life full of mixed happiness and sadness, so it’s not bad to let it be and make the worthless groan hardly heard.

原文摘自闹闹随笔《闲言碎语之二》，抄录于下：

很久没有感受到劳动人民的光荣了。每天都在耕耘，除了耗去的光阴如水，没有一丁点的收获，哪儿来收获的喜悦和劳动的光荣之感？如何才能从这种付出与得到的极不平衡中寻求一个支点，让我安享我的精神乐园？无数次不了了之的思考过后，我便不再随随便便给自己套上思考这副刑具来自虐。我只当我是一个存于万物中撼不动生活这棵大树的小小生命，行走在岁月长河的岸边，肩扛钓竿鱼网，今天打捞的是快乐，明天打捞的是忧愁。生活本就如此的喜忧参半，听之任之，克制自己少做无谓的呻吟。

好久没有来给我的不老阁添砖加瓦了。今天摘一篇别人的blog，希望闹闹能在明早第一时间看到。我也很感谢这封mail的作者，她发出的是一个老朋友的声音。

Dear Wendy,

I saw your latest blog entry "we filled our lives, but lost our souls." You sounded a bit down and I just wanted to share a few of my thoughts. We’ve only met once, but for some reason, I felt a special connection to you. I also really admire the brutal honesty in your blog. I hope I’m not being too blunt or personal in my writing:

First off, lemme just say it’s damn hard to keep one’s soul in contemporary China. Everytime I went back to Shanghai, it felt very different to me. In recent years, increasingly, I felt an overwhelming sense of materialism. Adding to that is tremendous peer pressure and the need to ‘keep up with the Jonese.’ What others have I have to have it, too. What others do I have to do it better. That’s painful. By going with the flow we essentially give up our own choices, ideals, and individuality. Or, in other words, our souls.

But how can you not go with the flow? If the entire society is crazed about making money and buying houses, how do you dare to be different? What about parental expectations? They’ve had a hard life raising us. What about our children? We can’t have them lose out from the start. Life is a race and you simply cannot afford to stop.

Stop to think, what do I really want from this life? Do I really have to be in that race? I think a lot of times we don’t give ourselves enough credit. We don’t give ourselves enough space and freedom to explore, to make mistakes, and to find out who we really are. All of our lives we’ve been told who we should be and what we should do by our parents, teachers, friends, society, or by a self that has internalized the values of all those. We are defined by our roles as daughters, wives, mothers, employees and citizens. But we are more than that. Each and everyone of us is unique. We each have our own talents, passions and beliefs — We may have yet to discover them, but they are there. Life is a privilege. Don’t rush through it without knowing what you’re doing.

I try to tell myself, I came to this world for a purpose, and that purpose is more than to have a job, get married, buy a house, make babies and retire. I’m going to find out what that purpose is. I know this probably sounds extremely naive, and I often have doubts about it. Sometimes I feel like I’m not a good enough daughter. Sometimes I feel like my peers think I’m crazy and a failure. Sometimes I’m gripped with this fear that I’m going to end up old and homeless, not having had a job ever long enough to build a career. But I think I’d rather live with the fear and guilt than the nagging, perennial question: why am I here?

Partly that’s why I hide in San Francisco. In Shanghai reality is presented in a much harsher, right-in-your-face kind of way than in SF. Here people could care less about what you do with your life. Sometimes I try to picture what I would be doing today if I stayed in China. And all I could think of is a stifling cube in an office building somewhere in Beijing or Shanghai. I don’t think I would’ve had the courage to do anything different. I have a lot of respect for the independent spirits in China today, simply because it’s just so much harder there to stay true to oneself.

I can’t believe I wrote so much. It feels like I was writing as much for you as it is for myself. And one final note for all of us soul-searchers–have a sense of humor. Don’t take yourself too seriously.  Having a sense of humor makes one more open to new experiences and makes it easier to stand up again after you fail. Allow yourself to explore, allow yourself to fail, allow yourself to be confused, because it is from failures we learn and confusion forces us to think. Most importantly, soul-searchers or not, we’ll still eat, crap, and sleep everyday. We’ll still laugh and cry. We’ll still have all the bills to pay and bosses to please. In some ways I think soul-searching is more of an attitude toward life than concrete actions. What’s the difference between the soul-searchers and non-soul-searchers then? Well, not much, except we set ourselves free, from inside out.

I don’t know if any of this makes you feel better. It’s just a topic I struggle with a lot myself, so thought I’d share some of my own thoughts.  If any of it is offensive, I apologize! I hope that, other than your sometimes elluding soul, all is well on the other side of the Pacific.

原文参见http://home.wangjianshuo.com/fanfan/

这篇文章后面的一段评论我也很喜欢，拿来跟闹闹分享

“关键是，你自己幸福吗？你留给自己的心灵一点空间了吗？你有自己非常擅长和自豪的兴趣爱好吗？除了工作，你这辈子为别人做过什么？ 或许每个人都不得不做一定的妥协，因为生活是残酷的，你必须首先要生存，但是夜深人静的时候扪心自问，你做过什么让自己快乐吗？你的灵魂中还有诚实和正义吗？
无关于你在哪里生活，也无关于你在哪里工作，灵魂有关于你的心灵。人生需要有一种决断的勇气，当自己内心不快乐到一定程度的时候，不许作出自己的选择，放弃有时候也是一种勇气。平静一段时间，找到自己的平衡点，重新出发。”

谢谢评论的作者Spring.