HTTP/1.1 200 OK Server: nginx/1.6.0 Date: Thu, 05 Jun 2014 08:31:09 GMT Content-Type: text/html; charset=UTF-8 Connection: close X-Powered-By: PHP/5.3.3 X-Pingback: http://blog.donews.com/liusen/xmlrpc.php 有趣的格式塔(2)——那些未完成事件,那些未完成仪式 | 琉森的DoNews博客

有趣的格式塔(2)——那些未完成事件,那些未完成仪式

上周在腾讯大讲堂做分享的时候,我非常强调一点——一定要“表白”。

为什么一定要有“表白”呢?有的人是跟对方眉来眼去之后自然而然地走在一起了——

“究竟是第一次牵手算是在一起,还是第一次拥抱算是在一起了呢?”……

“我们是不是还停留在暧昧期呢?”

“他好像也没有说他喜欢我……”

“牵个手算什么呢?”

“好像自己不是正牌的……”

“反正他不表白我就不是他的谁……”

想法很多的人可能会有这样的困惑(confused),这样的困惑小到说出来矫情,不说憋屈,心惶惶而不确定,他们需要“表白”这种仪式来确定自己的归属感

这是朋友迈向恋人阶段经常出现的问题,在格式塔心理学里面有一个概念,叫做“未完成事件”(unfinished business),它主要指未表达出来的情感、未完成的闭环、等待结局的故事……

一些特定的心理需求需要通过特定仪式来满足,一些庆祝活动还有婚礼就属此列。婚礼仪式能够帮助结婚双方屏弃差异,获得共同的归属感,令婚姻这一新的社会秩序更加稳固,这种功能不是“摆摆酒席”“与亲朋好友吃顿饭”就能实现的。

婚礼不一定是必须的,但是仪式是必须的。

grace-kelly-4-a

另外,不要把仪式等同于形式。“表白”有多种形式,要选择对方所能接受的方式。爱人不是要用自己的方式去爱,而是用对方所能接受的方式去爱。

回顾一下父母与自己之间有过的沟通方式,有时候明明知道父母对自己好,但是自己却没法接受,因此父母的爱在传递给你的过程中就打了折扣。

你对你的恋人的时候,表达爱的时候是否也因为方式问题而产生了“损耗”呢?

 

除了表白,生活中还有很多“未完成事件”。

“未完成事件”指未表达出来的情感,包括:悔恨、愤怒、怨恨、痛苦、焦虑、悲伤、罪恶、遗弃感等。虽然这些情感并未表达出来,但却与鲜明的记忆及想象联结在一起。由于这些情感在知觉领域里并没有被充分体验,因此就在潜意识中徘徊,而在不知觉中被带入现实生活里,从而妨碍了自己与他人间的有效接触。未完成事件常会一直持续存在着,直至个人(自己或者对方)勇于面对并处理这些未表达的情感为止。就未完成事件的影响而言,波雨期特(1973)认为,“这些未完成的事情终究会被设法去实现,当它们蓄积了足够的力量时,个人进而会受到偏见、担忧、强迫行为、被压抑之精力及许多自我挫败(seff-dereating)行为的困扰”。

找一找生活中常见的“未完成事件”,你会发现自己为什么总是有无缘无故的负面情绪。

—前两天牵手的女朋友,为什么好像还没有进入“我的女朋友”的状态?对她的这种“不自觉”,我有点不满和愤怒。

—明明是那个人先做出亏待我的事(后来逼迫他做出了补偿),为什么每次不期而遇总是我比较尴尬?

—终于和父母大吵了一架,他们终于不再紧紧地管我了,为什么在某些时刻我内心总闪过一些怨恨和悲伤、焦虑与悔恨?

—是我不告而别,回来后她现在看起来貌似过得不错,为什么我并不开心?

我究竟是怎么了?

由于过去未被认知的情感所衍生的一些非必要性的片断情绪,扰乱了以现在为中心的察觉。悔恨是未完成事件中最常见、最恶劣的一种。当人们悔恨时就把自己给困住了,既不愿让悔恨就此算了,也不能做坦诚的沟通,除非把悔恨发泄出来。把悔恨表露出来是必须的,未表露出来的悔恨经常会转变成罪恶感。换句话说:“无论何时,当你有罪恶感时,就去找出悔恨的原因,并把它表达出来,简化原来纷乱的要求”,则问题自可迎刃而解。

培尔斯(1969a)认为,大多数人都宁可逃避体验痛苦的情绪,而不愿去做必要的改变。因此,他们会变得迟钝、无法突破僵局,从而阻碍了成长的可能性。培尔斯也提及,灾难的预期是我们自己想象出来的,它使人们心理变得迟钝,诸如:

“如果我重新正式地向她表白,对方会觉得为时太晚,没有诚意”;

“如果我向他表示我强迫他补偿的歉意,那我之前的所有作为就太让人丢脸了;

“如果我放低姿态跟父母和好,我便可能又会回到他们的控制当中,永远跳不出那个无底洞。”

“如果我充分地表达我甩了她之后的不开心,对方会觉得无法理解并且难以忍受,而将永远不再理会我。”

培尔斯认为,上述那些想象我们缺乏活力,因为利用那些想象,我们逃避了生活中必要的冒险。因此,完形治疗者鼓励当事人在治疗阶段,充分表达以前从未直接表达的紧张情绪。如果当事人表示害怕触及其潜藏的怨恨及恶意,治疗者也许会鼓励他们就把自己变成怀有怨恨及恶意的人,然后去表达这些负面的情感。

你的“未完成事件”是什么?

不要隐藏你的情绪,及即使自己了变成怀有怨恨及恶意的人,表达出来的情感是负面的,但是会让你获得一个直面“未完成事件”的机会。体验原来极力排斥的自己的另一面,便开始一个整合的历程,让自己超越并克服原阻碍自己成长的僵局。如果能够认清并接受自己是怎样的人,而不是只希望成为怎样的人,那么自己将更可能有所改变。不要逃避,就可扫除阻碍现在生活进行的未完成事件,而迈向健康与和谐。

用“仪式”去终结你的“未完成事件”

还记得老友记里三个女人在情人节,举办了一个“告别前男友”的烧物仪式吗?

选择一种你内心认同的方式,郑重地去举行它,去终结你的心结,重获新生。

(要注意安全哦)

 


人类,是多么有趣而难以捉摸啊。

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